The Bestest Girl

My life as best as I know it… personal & professional

Peace August 12, 2011

Filed under: Dear Ella — sephrahosein @ 22:49

Dear Ella,

I’ve made peace with Richard and more importantly, I’ve made peace with myself. I feel a lot lighter now. There is some degree of comfort to it, although a hint of something resembling a bitter sweet feeling still lingers. I miss him. That I do. And sometimes I am sad but today, my tears were not shed from sadness, neither was it from happiness. I think it was well, I don’t know. Anyhow, the truth is, we’re both to blame in the outcome of things, whatever happened, happened and there is no way to go back and change that so the best thing to do is to take the lessons learnt and use them for future experiences. And that’s about it. So it’s time to move on. I’m going out there bold and brave with God on my side.

 

Angry June 2, 2011

Filed under: Dear Ella — sephrahosein @ 00:10

Dear Ella,

I am angry. I am angry with Richard but more so, I am angry with myself. I am angry for allowing Richard to treat me the way he did during the time we were together. And I am angry for him treating me that way. Things were not always bad, unfortunately though, the bad outweighs the good. He shouted a lot, like really shouted, spoke rough to me, cursed me, sometimes in public. He made me feel as if I was not important. I guess a major reason why I feel angry at myself is the fact that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. I let it happen. Don’t get me wrong, I tried so many times to walk away from the neglect, the verbal abuse, the misery and every time I tried, he begged me to stay. And for some stupid reason, I always felt that I had to stay. That he needed me. And I stayed, believing his promises to change, to make things better for us. I used to think he needed me because he had such a hard life growing up. You all had it tough (and to think it continues for you). And I thought that that was the justification for his behaviour. But then again, you’re not like him. None of you are like him.

Sad to say but I think I know why a lot of people stay in abusive relationships. I think maybe it’s simply because they just don’t know their self worth. I know in order for me to get one step closer to being okay is that I have to forgive myself. And I suppose I’ve now started going through the process… I don’t know… Sometimes things like these are like reflective waves I guess… Progress turns into regress and the cycle continues. I guess only time will tell. Another reason for my anger is that I allowed myself to become like him. Without even realizing it, I slowly became like him. I started shouting back. I allowed myself to get upset. I quarreled. I became miserable. And even now I’m still dealing with these things. I don’t always quarrel now. Now, like I said, I only fight for what I believe deserves fighting for. I choose what to fight for. The problem that I’m still having is that I sometimes shout when I get mad. Funny enough I didn’t realize that I still shout. I thought it died when Richard left. I need to work on that because I was never a person to shout or to even become so enraged that I feel like I’m trapped in my own body.

I know that nothing I say or do now will ever change what happened in the past, what was said and done has already come to pass. But even though I know this I am still unable to stop being mad at myself. Why did I allow the hurt and pain to grow in me? Why do we allow ourselves to hurt? I guess maybe it once again all comes down to the choosing to be happy. Oh boy… here we go again…