I am angry. I am angry with Richard but more so, I am angry with myself. I am angry for allowing Richard to treat me the way he did during the time we were together. And I am angry for him treating me that way. Things were not always bad, unfortunately though, the bad outweighs the good. He shouted a lot, like really shouted, spoke rough to me, cursed me, sometimes in public. He made me feel as if I was not important. I guess a major reason why I feel angry at myself is the fact that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. I let it happen. Don’t get me wrong, I tried so many times to walk away from the neglect, the verbal abuse, the misery and every time I tried, he begged me to stay. And for some stupid reason, I always felt that I had to stay. That he needed me. And I stayed, believing his promises to change, to make things better for us. I used to think he needed me because he had such a hard life growing up. You all had it tough (and to think it continues for you). And I thought that that was the justification for his behaviour. But then again, you’re not like him. None of you are like him.
Sad to say but I think I know why a lot of people stay in abusive relationships. I think maybe it’s simply because they just don’t know their self worth. I know in order for me to get one step closer to being okay is that I have to forgive myself. And I suppose I’ve now started going through the process… I don’t know… Sometimes things like these are like reflective waves I guess… Progress turns into regress and the cycle continues. I guess only time will tell. Another reason for my anger is that I allowed myself to become like him. Without even realizing it, I slowly became like him. I started shouting back. I allowed myself to get upset. I quarreled. I became miserable. And even now I’m still dealing with these things. I don’t always quarrel now. Now, like I said, I only fight for what I believe deserves fighting for. I choose what to fight for. The problem that I’m still having is that I sometimes shout when I get mad. Funny enough I didn’t realize that I still shout. I thought it died when Richard left. I need to work on that because I was never a person to shout or to even become so enraged that I feel like I’m trapped in my own body.
I know that nothing I say or do now will ever change what happened in the past, what was said and done has already come to pass. But even though I know this I am still unable to stop being mad at myself. Why did I allow the hurt and pain to grow in me? Why do we allow ourselves to hurt? I guess maybe it once again all comes down to the choosing to be happy. Oh boy… here we go again…